Robert Wuhl Is Desperate For Work

Lion In Oil tells the story of how Modell's Sporting Goods pulled a prank on the Boston Celtics while negotiating a sponsorship deal by bringing in the Arli$$ actor Robert Wuhl to do his thing (i.e. yelling, swearing and outrageous demands).

Obviously, this is hilarious, but it begs the question: Did Robert Wuhl lose all semblance of dignity? Or did he never have any to begin with?

I'm imagining that business pranks rate just below Celebrity Big Brother as sure tell signs your entertainment career is as over as Kirk Douglas's sex life.

Simmer Down Canada

Steve Nash came to Toronto this week and coincidentally enough, so did the news that Nash won't be joining the Canadian national basketball team for their last ditch effort at making the Olympics at a tournament in Beijing.

Puckheads immediately went berserk, phoning into sports radio shows with stunning proclamations that Nash isn't a real Canadian or that Canada should disown the greatest basketball player to ever come from our country.

I'm all for reactionary conjecture, but spouting off ill informed opinions is right up there with pedophilia as my least favourite practices. Steve Nash has done more for basketball in this country than anyone or anything has ever done.

As far as I'm concerned, Nash could piss on a Canadian flag while setting a Toronto Raptors jersey on fire and he would still be the greatest ambassador for Canadian basketball out there. However, the puckheads point to Wayne Gretzky and Mario Lemieux suiting up for their country dozens of times.

I'm not going to delve into all that Nash has already done for Canadian basketball, including leading the team that finished just out of the medals in Sydney or quietly taking money out of his own pocket to ensure proper accommodations for the men's team. Let's focus on another aspect of the argument.

The always fantastic Michael Grange of the Globe and Mail points out that the international hockey schedule is much different from international basketball.

"The difference between the situation Nash and the hockey greybeards found themselves in was that the hockey events – certainly the Olympics – took place in the course of the regular season. They didn’t have to make a choice between their holiday and playing for their country.

The Canada Cups took place, if I recall correctly, just before training camp, at a time when their training would be ramped up anyway. Doubtless playing with the best in the world was a good way to prepare for the regular season. As well, the Canada Cups were a profit centre for the NHLPA, if I’m not mistaken, so there was some motivation there.

The world championships are also timed to take place essentially during the season, or at least at a time when most guys wish they were playing. Many times the rationalization for a lot of players who make the trip is to scrub off the disappointment of not making the playoffs. And typically the guys that do go are younger players who might not ordinarily get the chance to play for Canada."

Grange goes on to say that international basketball events land in the middle of the NBA off-season.

"This is why USA Basketball has had a floating roster of 30 or so possible players during their build-up to Beijing. Even though they asked for a three-year commitment from the Kobe’s and the LeBron’s, they knew that life, babies, surgeries, etc., simply get in the way.

Nash is in the same boat, but he’s a roster of one."

Steve Nash plays balls out basketball. He leaves every ounce of energy he has out on the court. In order to play at that level, his body needs rest. And as his body ages, it requires even more rest.

To suggest that Nash somehow owes it to Canada to sacrifice his career to play in an international tournament is so outlandishly ridiculous that it makes me ashamed to be associated with other Canadians who would think this way.

Go (get) yourself.

Lehman Feeling Underappreciated

When not sulking on the Arsenal bench or impersonating Flea or Tom Berenger for his own gain, German goalkeeper Jens Lehman is being courted by mid-table Bundesliga clubs.

According to Soccer Source, Lehman should be a serious transfer target for VfL Wolfsburg when the transfer window opens up in January.

Earlier this season, Lehmann slipped behind Manuel Almunia in the Gunners' keeper pecking order and has not responded favourably, criticizing his Spanish replacement and his manager Arsene Wenger. If he is to keep his status as the number one keeper for the German national team at next year's Euro tournament, Lehman must be playing first team football and a trip back to Germany just might do the trick.

Eat, Drink And Be Sporting

My friends and I are what you'd call wiffleball aficionados. So much so, that we created the Toronto Wiffleball Association of Toronto. The thing about wiffleball though, is that your skills don't really peak until you've drank about six cans of beer, preferably Budweiser or Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Well, according to 100% Injury Rate, we're not the only athletes (I use the term loosely) in need of some serious calories before hitting their peak on the field of play.

As the patron saint of wiffleball, we were well aware of Wade Boggs and his pension for drinnking 50 - 70 beers on a road trip, but the Babe Ruth breakfast getting washed down with an unholy mixture of equal parts whiskey and ginger ale has me questioning whom we should pray to before a wiffleball game begins.

"Ruth also claimed his daily breakfast was as follows: a pint of whiskey mixed with a pint of ginger ale in a pitcher of ice, followed by a porterhouse steak, four fried eggs, fried potatoes, and a pot of coffee."

Deadspin Already Did It

Remember that South Park episode where Butters tries to bring bedlam to the town, but he gets frustrated when all of his plans end up being weak copies of plots from The Simpsons?

Well, I'm feeling somewhat similar to Butters today after reading Ray Rotto's column on CBS Sportsline and deciding to post something derogatory about his appearance. Before I started writing, a simple Google search of his name directed me to a Deadspin article from 2005 titled Ray Rotto's Weird Mug.

Awesome. More than two years late on the joke.

Speaking of which, a good thing to do to a friend who tells you a joke or says something clever is to shake your head in disapproval over what they said and then repeat exactly the same thing back to them as though you came up with it and it's hilarious.

Par Example:

Friend: Kyle Wellwood? Wellwood you look at him?

You: That's not that funny. What about Kyle Wellwood? Wellwood you look at him? That's funny.

This is Exactly How Rumours Get Started

I'm being a bad blogger today. I know I totally shouldn't do this, but maybe it will be fun to see just how far it goes.

Here's the scoop: an MLS blog, MLS Underground, reported that ABC will show Toronto at Columbus as their nationally televised opening day game-- the only nationally televised game of the regular season. They then speculate that something fishy must be going on, because there are many more compelling games with better teams scheduled for the same day. It's suggested that perhaps it has something to do with recent rumblings that Toronto aim to be the next club to bring in a major star from overseas (obviously started by people who don't know MLSE).

An anonymous post in the comments reads: "I have a friend in Madrid who told me that Ruud Van Nistelroy is going to sign with Toronto."

And now I'm posting about it as though there's a grain of truth to it. Fly little rumour, fly....

Sam Mitchell is My Favourite Person Ever

Is there a better way to get up on a Wednesday morning than to hear one of the Fan590's morning show hockey pucks, Landry or Stellick, jokingly taunt Raptors Head Coach Sam Mitchell by saying "We own you!", and then listening to the radio magic that follows?

No. No there isn't.

Marty York Thinks It's 1996; Fact-Checkers Surprisingly Absent

If you're not in Toronto, you might not be familiar with Marty York. Basically, he is to journalistic integrity what Michael Vick is to compassion for animals (topical zinger!!).

I can't hate him too much, though, because his continued employment completely takes the piss out of any argument that suggests mainstream media have credibility simply by definition. But I still hate him a little bit, and that's why it pleases me so much to point out that in his attempt to smugly call out somebody else's blunder in his Wednesday column, he makes his own amazingly idiotic mistake.

"There was an embarrassing, inexcusable blunder Monday at the Rogers Centre in Toronto, where the cover of the game program promoted in large, colourful typ a matchup of the Toronto Raptors and the Charlotte Hornets."

Toronto has a basketball team??? What???

Grizzly Adams To Skate Again

Scott Niedermayer confirmed yesterday that he will rejoin the defending Stanley Cup champions Anaheim Ducks for the rest of the season.

Most reports claim the 34 year old Niedermayer pulled a Clemens after last year's championship season and kept one skate on the ice while contemplating retirement through the early part of the schedule. However, I'm inclined to believe that the star defencemen spent the first part of the season watching Keith Hernandez commercials and applying Just For Men brush-in gel to his beard.

Either way the struggling Ducks will be glad to have him back.

This is incredible news!

I know, when I saw it, I couldn't believe it either. But it's true. The Toronto Sun did not to use a picture of the Toronto Maple Leafs on the front cover of their paper today!

Despite the Leafs third straight victory (playoffs!) against the Nashville Predators last night, the Sun opted for a photo of Pinball Clemons reacting to the news that he won't technically have to watch any of the Argos games with his new job as CEO next year. The Sun had intended to use a surefire seller picture of fan favourite and complete moron Wade Belak celebrating his first goal since 2003 accompanied by the headline "Back in Belak!"

The Sun hasn't shown this much integrity since going with a picture of New York rather than the Leafs waiting at the airport as their flight to St John's to begin training camp was delayed on Sept. 11, 2001.

Only Interesting If He's White

Baltimore Ravens cornerback Samari Rolle is all bent out of shape about the refereeing from Monday Night's Ravens and Patriots matchup and not just because of the 45 yards of penalties on the Patriots final scoring drive.

According to Rolle, "The refs called me a boy. No. 110 called me a boy."

When I first read this I got all excited, because nothing can elicit reactionary conjecture quite like implied racism in sports. Unfortunately, No. 110 is head linesman Phil McKinnely, who is black.

Way to ruin everything, McKinnely. The NFL can't do anything right.

Tigers, Marlins Make It A Blockbuster Night

The Florida Marlins and the Detroit Tigers made the first big deal of MLB's Winter Meetings last night when the Marlins sent Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis to the Tigers in exchange for Andrew Miller, Cameron Maybin, Mike Rabelo and Minor League pitchers Burke Badenhop, Eulogio De La Cruz and Dallas Trahern.

A six prospects for two stars trade would usually inspire me to point out that the team giving up their youth will be terrible in five years. I like passing the sour grapes like that, but I just can't do it this time. Miguel Cabrera is twenty four years old. Twenty-four years old! And workhorse Dontrelle Willis? Twenty five years old!

Yes, Andrew Miller and Cameron Maybin are a high price to pay for the Tigers organization, but they add a third left-handed pitcher to their rotation and cement their lineup as the best in baseball. Consider the Tigers possible starting lineup for the upcoming season:

Curtis Granderson
Edgar Renteria
Miguel Cabrera
Magglio Ordonez
Gary Sheffield
Carlos Guillen
Placido Polanco
Ivan Rodriguez
Marcus Thames/Jacques Jones

According to ESPN Baseball Analyst Steve Phillips, the deal came about quickly when the Los Angeles Angels jilted the Marlins on another similar deal involving the two stars. This reminds me of how three quarters of my married friends got married relatively quickly after a long-term relationship with another person dissolved. Just like the Marlins, I'm not saying that they've done poorly for themselves by marrying with such a quick turnaround. It just seems like they could've done better if they split up their assets and dealt with two different organizations.

Huh?

Billie Jean King Gets The Sack

If you're anything like me, you were shocked when you heard that Billie Jean King was fired from her job as President and General Manager of the Philadelphia 76ers. Not because the move came as a surprise to the basketball world, but because you had no idea that when Billie Jean King retired from tennis she took up basketball management.

King will be replaced by New Jersey Nets GM Ed Stefanski. I don't want to go all Helen Cixous on everyone here, but did you notice that she was replaced by a man? I might also add that this man is from Philadelphia and hasn't exactly lit the world on fire as GM of the Nets.

It sounds to me as though this is yet another case of the glass ceiling lowering from that old boys club that is basketball management. Why are they constantly trying to keep women down? The next thing you know they'll try to segregate female basketball players in a separate league.

Ladies, if you need any comforting from unfair employment practices, send me an email. I'd love to give you a massage.

The Worst Of Times

Look it. Any idiot with an abacus can count up the number of wins and losses for all the sports franchises in specific cities and compare them all to say that Kansas City is the worst place to live in the world, but it takes a real penchant for time wasting to take a look at those teams and their developmental potential to come up with a list of the worst sports cities for the next three to five years.

Our new friends (and by friends I mean that I read their blog) at The Legend of Cecilio Guante have proven their applaudable nerdiness by doing just this. Their list of locales looks daunting, but it's a good read, if only because it refers to the Washington Nationals new acquisitions as making their team more bloggable.

I'm not sure if Toronto isn't mentioned because we have hope or because they're unaware of any professional sports franchises playing here.

Picture Pages

Wait a minute. There are clever people from Baltimore?

Pistons Make Me Forget They're From Detroit

Of all the teams in the NBA's Eastern Conference not from Toronto, the Detroit Pistons are by far the most difficult to hate.

This is an extraordinary accomplishment considering that Isiah Thomas was one of the Piston's biggest stars and they are from Detroit. I'm not sure if you've ever seen Dante's Inferno, but it's this movie starring Pierce Brosnan and Julianne Moore. The storyline has the hot couple traveling into the nine circles of hell.

Location scouts picked Detroit for principal photography specifically because they could save budget room by not paying a production designers to dress up the city to make it look more like Judecca.



Props sorta go out to Need4Sheed for being the first to post the video, but they used a format that was impossible to embed, so I'm going to give full props to YouTube user Detroit2007 for not only having the most imaginative handle ever, but also for posting the video on YouTube for me to steal.

Mr. Dukes Goes To Washington

In naming this blog And Your Kids Too, we committed ourselves to bringing our readers all of the news and jokes surrounding the life of troubled outfielder Elijah Dukes for the rest of his life.

You see, the title of our little blog here is in reference to one of the greatest baseball quotes of all time. Elijah Dukes left this little love note in the voice mail of one of the four women he's impregnated:

"Hey, dawg. It's on, dawg. You dead, dawg. I ain't even bullshitting. And your kids too, dawg. It don't even matter to me who is in the car with you. Nigger, all I know is, nigger, when I see your motherfucking ass-riding, dawg, it's on. As a matter of fact, I'm coming to your motherfucking house."

My, how quickly ironic namesakes grow up.

It seems like only yesterday Dukes was trying to use a Gatorade bottle as a post-conception contraceptive. Today, the threatener of lives and restraining order king was traded by the Tampa Bay Rays to the Washington Nationals in exchange for a player to be named later.

The move means that Dukes will join the newly arrived Lastings Milledge in an outfield that is one criminal away from invoking Armageddon.

Seriously, it's in the Book of Revelations. Look it up.

Wait, who's this standing in the threshold with the hopes of the advancement of humanity resting on his shoulders?

Oh, it's former convict and substance abuser Dmitri Young.

According to ESPN, Young vetted the deal for Dukes and will be depended on by Nationals management to play a key role in keeping Dukes out of trouble off the field.

This marks the first time that something this delusional has ever been spoken by a nonn-politician in Washington. Wait, doesn't Dan Snyder own the Redskins? Never mind.

English Footballer's Dick Spotted

Hours before England's crucial Euro qualifier against Russia, Aston Villa striker Ashley Young was Tlustying himself over a web cam to some lass in Bristol.

According to the bastion of good journalism that is the News Of The World, Young met Sarah Taylor via the website Webcamo just after 1:30 a.m. on game day. He then proceeded to send her love poems (only a touch less subtle than e.e. cummings) and . . . well . . . chalk up his own cue stick for her benefit, or more accurately, his benefit.

Young was at it again weeks later during a road trip to Middlesbrough and then, did it again for a News Of The World reporter posing as SoccerBunnyHunny69. Of course, the NOTW was quick to mention this all took place while his long-term girlfriend was at home.

Before everyone gets all judgy and judgmental and stuff, let's just let those who've never rubbed one out online cast the first stone. Know what I'm saying?

Chris Bosh Likes Milestones

You may have noticed that not only was Chris Bosh not dressed for Saturday night's game against the Wizards, he didn't even make the trip to Washington with the rest of the team.

It seems that CB4 was too busy leaving a douchey bar and grill on John St. when he was informed that he'd have to wait for a table. He returned to Milestones minutes later, presumably due to the state of the other establishments in the area (including a new 24 hour Golden Griddle that's below a club whose subwoofer makes the cutlery shake), and waited at the bar, watching the game until a table was prepared.

Thanks to our faithful reader the Danimal for spotting the only Raptor who looks like a raptor out on the town.

Berger Retracts Avery Report

In a voice that screamed "lawyers are making me do this," Leafs beat reporter Howard Berger read a statement on the FAN 590 this afternoon officially apologizing to New York Rangers forward Sean Avery for reporting last month that the agitator made disparaging comments to Jason Blake about his cancer during a pre-game skirmish.

However, Berger's actual report, which has since been altered on his blog, stated that he asked an unnamed teammate of Avery's if the comments were cancer related and the teammate responded, "I could've strangled [Avery] when I heard that."

A large percentage of a journalist's work depends on their reputation and as far as I understand, Howard Berger, as one of the finest journalists covering hockey, has an excellent reputation among players and other members of the media. I highly doubt that Berger would risk this reputation merely to file a false report about lowly Sean Avery.

Only the few hockey players there know exactly what Avery said and they're as likely to disclose that as they are to read an issue of Harper's. However, Berger never actually reported that Avery made those remarks. He stated that a teammate confirmed he made those remarks. While the implication is there, a public apology and retraction seems ridiculous.

My only hope is that this doesn't set a precedence or have implications for future reporting from the mustached one.

Petty To Reveal Left Breast

One day, when I'm finally asked to teach a university course on Americana, my entire curriculum will be the music of Tom Petty, a car rental and a winding road map through the U.S.

In the most fitting move in the history of mankind, Tom Petty will play at the biggest annual event in the United States, the Super Bowl. The NFL announced on Sunday that Petty has been chosen to be the main entertainer during the half-time show.

At least now I'll have someone to cheer for.

Personal Petty Anecdote:

I saw Petty last summer in Toronto and it was fantastic. A little rehearsed, but fantastic. My favourite part of the whole night though was during his encore. Petty comes out and in his nasally, easily imitated voice says, "We're just gettin' started Toronto." It was at an outdoor venue and thirty seconds later it started to rain and the concert ended after the one encore song.

The CBC Is Aware Of The Interweb

Hockey Night In Canada had a report on blogging in hockey during its pregame show on Saturday night and it was actually really positive.

It's become very easy for the mainstream media to generally dismiss bloggers for being the diseased carriers of infectious misinformation. Obviously this claim is nothing more than a cop out to keep their own readership unenlightened while offering their own certified "blogs" which, with a few exceptions, are nothing more than opinion pieces not interesting enough to print.

Anyway, the CBC has done a great job at connecting with bloggers referencing their stories by linking to them on their site. For instance, if I reference the CBC's coverage of the Sean Taylor murder, on the side of the page I reference, a link to the And Your Kids Too blog post will appear.

Combined with this report on its flagship program, it's refreshing to see that the CBC is actually consciously operating in the 21st Century. Now, if only they could do something about The Hour.

Bills Ruin Memory Of Sean Taylor . . . Sort Of

I've never really been a fan of anything ceremonial. Weddings, funerals, court cases and sex with someone you live with have never been all that appealing to me. I understand that some people need a public outlet for their emotions, so I'm tolerant enough of their needs to only protest ceremonies with inner eye-rolls and silent pffffts.

Yesterday, the Washington Redskins played their first game since the murder of their star safety Sean Taylor. The standard pre-game rituals were altered to include eloquent video tributes, shared moments of silence and number 21 patches on Redskins uniforms. However, the ultimate tribute was saved for the first play of the game when the Redskins sent out only 10 defensive players.

To honour Taylor on the play, the sportsmanlike Buffalo Bills ran a play up the side for a 22 yard gain. Later, with time winding down and the Redskins up by two, quarterback Trent Edwards took advantage of a lack of Taylor in the secondary by sending a 31 yard pass between four Redskins defensive backs to set up the game winning field goal. The winning kick was all but ensured by a fifteen yard penalty for a Joe Gibbs' coaching gaffe when he tried to call consecutive timeouts before the kick.

The scene afterwards was so sad, that I even felt pity for the Redskins for a brief moment. The heartbreaking loss didn't seem to phase the already heartbroken Redskins. I get the feeling that their sombre march off the field would've been the same as if they had held on for victory.

Forget the schmaltz, this silent emotion for their lost player had more respect in it than any video tribute or special patch.

Picture Pages

"Are you kidding me? DeVito gave me this suit. I didn't steal it. Go ahead. Ask him yourself."

The LaRussa DUI Video Is Only Kinda Funny

I'll be honest with you, I don't find this video of Tony LaRussa passed out at the wheel, unable to recite the alphabet or walk a straight line and then getting arrested for DUI nearly as entertaining as the idea of Tony LaRussa doing all those things. It's a whole lot more pathetic than it is comical, and is kind of boring to watch. Plus it's hard to get excited about posting it now, because I first saw mention of it a couple of days ago and thought for sure it was a joke. Otherwise I would have posted it right away and felt pretty good about myself. Now? ... meh.

Euro 2008 Draw: Yep, The Seeding Was Total Garbage

The Euro 2008 Draw went this morning in Lucerne, Switzerland, and as I predicted yesterday, the Dutch basically got screwed. But to be fair, they probably didn't get screwed as much as the French or Italians.

It's easy to piss and moan about the insanity of the Dutch being "rewarded" for having the best qualifying campaign (according to UEFA's BCS-like coefficient system) by only being assured they would avoid Greece, Austria and Switzerland, but it's also kind of a load that they were the top qualifiers in the first place. Why not, say, the World Cup holders? Or even the runners up?

But no, Italy and France found themselves in lower pots, and guess what? They both got drawn into a "Group of Death" with Romania and the Netherlands.

I guess we should try to look on the bright side. For one, Romania was the best possibility out of their pot, as Germany, Spain or Portugal could have easily also been in the group. For two, as much as the possibility of one of those three being in there shows that the seeding is impossibly unbalanced and stupid, it going to be a hell of an amazing group to follow. It's just a shame that one of those three teams won't make the knockout round.

(Pictured above right: Italy and France coaches Roberto Donadoni and Raymond Domenech trying to look amused)

Group A: Switzerland, Czech Republic, Portugal, Turkey
Group B: Austria, Croatia, Germany, Poland
Group C: Netherlands, Italy, Romania, France
Group D: Greece, Sweden, Spain, Russia