Christmas Party Hangover

Hungover. Wearing sunglasses in my house. Funny Pro Line commercial.

Elijah Dukes Is Still Something Else

The Patron Saint of AYKT was at it again, as yet another woman has filed for a restraining order against newly acquired Washington National Elijah Dukes.

Dukes has made it his mission to impregnate more women than the entire NBA, including knocking up a seventeen year old foster child under the care of his grandmother a few years ago. In the process he has also threatened more women than those Thai boys that some men find particularly alluring. His threats have included voice mail messages, pictures of guns sent via cellphone and hard-thrown Gatorade bottles.

The latest court injunction was sought by 23 year old Amanda Reese after her relationship with Dukes ended and he began phoning her house at odd hours leaving threatening messages.

The 22 year old ballplayer currently has five children by four different women.

As part of a previous commitment with the Tampa Bay Rays, Dukes was supposed to speak at a family planning event to raise awareness on the availability of contraceptives. However, he decided it would be better to pull out at the last possible second.

Clemens: Still A Douche

Remember when Henry Rodriguez played for the Montreal Expos and everyone would throw Oh Henry chocolate bars at him when he made a spectacular play, not just because his name was Henry, but also because he loved the candy bar.

Well, I have it on good authority that Roger Clemens is a big fan of both broken glass and shit. I'm just saying s'all.

Old fat face is in the news again because it seems that a group of high school baseball coaches in Texas, who had scheduled Clemens to be the keynote speaker at its annual meeting, are having second thoughts.

The Texas High School Baseball Coaches Association will hold a vote today on whether they still want Clemens to speak.

Unless you've been in a sports deprivation chamber the last week, you're aware that Clemens was named in the Mitchell Report for having used steroids during his time with the Toronto Blue Jays and New York Yankees.

The title of his proposed session in Texas: "My Vigorous Workout, How I Played So Long."

I'm not even joking.

TD Free

If you're anything like me, you avoid all initials and acronyms because they're more than likely a sexually transmitted infection.

I'm quite certain that Philadelphia Eagles running back Brian Westbrook and I have little in common (he has enough money to pay women to put up with his STIs), but Westbrook still avoided scoring a TD on Sunday, oddly enough to ensure his team's victory.

From ESPN.com:

"The Eagles were clinging to a 10-6 lead over their hated rivals with just over two minutes left when Westbrook broke through the line and into the open field. But rather than scoring the touchdown that could have put an emphatic end to a big upset, Westbrook stopped at the 1-yard line and went to the ground, allowing the Eagles to run out the clock on the Cowboys."

Westbrook credits offensive lineman Jon Runyan for the strategic advice.

"I got a stern talking-to by Runyan right before that play," Westbrook said. "He said, 'Listen, if you're down to the 1, take a knee.'"

Twat Takes Credit For Claiming The Obvious

I don't know if you've ever read the Sports Central website. It claims to be the longest running sports fan publication in the world and it's about as interesting as melba toast with nothing on it. It's sort of like the website you go to when no other page will load, or you're simply an idiot.

On Sunday they printed an article with this headline: "Clemens and Steroids: We Called It." The body of the story is a reprint of an article published on June 4th of this year claiming, I shit you not, that there could be something fishy about Roger Clemens late career resurgence and that a lot of baseball players could be using steroids.

Congratu-fucking-lations for really going out on a limb with that one. As if it wasn't enough for the writer, Brad Oremland, to state the obvious over and over again in a thousand words this summer, he decides to congratulate himself for his hack job when the obvious is mentioned in the Mitchell Report on Thursday.

I realize it's hard to break a vow of talentlessness, but this is like me posting in June that it could maybe possibly snow in Toronto this winter, and then when the Heavens open in mid-December and drop more snow than the contents of a plastic baggy inside Gary Busey's pocket (circa 1992), I reprint my prediction and give myself a blow job.

Dear Mr. Investigative Journalist,

Because of the journalistic integrity you so evidently possess, I've decided to inform you of some additional information that may prove back-slap worthy in the future if you write an article about these tips today.

The New England Patriots may be a very good team.
Michael Vick may not be a perfect choir boy.
LeBron James may be very good at basketball.
Tom Cruise may be odd.
Global warming may be a real thing.
And people who wear Velvet Revolver t-shirts may deserve to be taken out of their homes and severely beaten by the good taste police.

Sincerely,
Dustin Parkes

PS: Speaking of wankers, this total twat of a human gives his English Premiership Power Rankings and leaves Arsenal off the list despite being in first place in the table and having beaten his number two ranked Chelsea on the weekend.

Special Holiday Public Service Announcement

Since I'm a Renaissance Man, always looking to better myself, I spent the weekend watching a lot of BBC programming. Because of this, I'd like to remind everyone that when you go to slag off family members or step parents this holiday season, be sure to pronounce "twat" like they do in Britain, as though it rhymes with "mat." Twat.

The North American pronunciation, as though "twat" rhymes with "dot," is about seven times less effective. Twat.

Happy Holidays!